Dang, it's been a whole month since ive made an update. I've tried to get about two out a month but I haven't really been in much of a writing mood lately. That Deltraune Chapter 5 review did actually get drafted but I never ended up posting it as it came out kinda rambly and didnt have too much original to say. I'll probably polish it up and post it eventually.
As of writing this I have 10 days to get my CPL, or at least be on the waiting list to take my test. There’s been massive forest fires for the last two weeks that have made flying slow and on top of that my instructor is on vacation leaving me scrunching for bookings. It’s raining now, which is good for the fires - but means no flying. Despite all that ive felt strangely calm about it. Ive still been real busy but like, not as busy as I probably should be.. Idk it’s hard to explain why, the last few times I got this close to the deadline I was tweaked out, feeling that guillotine pressing down on my neck with every breath. The main burden for me right now is the loans from my dad I've had to take. I can hardly afford a case of beer anymore let alone the absurd cost of avgas ive been burning. I've had a few of my classmates break down from the pressure, one of them even dropped out the other week thinking there's no way they’d make the deadline. Not the most fun time for anyone in my class.
If I do get kicked out I don't have much of a plan though. Maybe just get another shitty ramp job and wait a year to join the next class? Would be a setback for sure and definitely wouldn't help fix any of my other problems. The idea of spending a year stagnant makes my stomach sick. Best case would be if I can graze by and finish school, then take a month off from everything. Flying, learning, working.. Hell, I'd like to take a month off from living if that was an option. I’d definitely wanna get out of my hometown for a while. Maybe do one of those hikes that takes a week to finish. It would be helpful if I had some money to actually travel. I already owe my family so much I hate to ask for more. Maybe I'll just drive my car and siphon gas until I get arrested or something.
I keep getting thoughts about a game I was making with a friend a year or two back. It gets annoying how I really should be focusing on flying or studying and ill end up drawing a enemy design and attack pattern instead. Makes me worried ive chosen the wrong carrer at times, but gamedev is probably more enjoyable as a hobby anyways. If i actually do make it to the airlines the schedule is good enough that you could totally work on a big creative project like that in your time off. I just hope I dont lose that drive when im older, because I have alot of cool stuff in my brain id like to show you.
I really feel like I have more to say but I'm not sure what. There's a pretty good chance I'll be in shambles in my next update, so if there's anyone in the world who's ever read this other than me uh, stay posted!! Okay bye and good luck!
It’s true! Deltarune chapter 5 is only 7 horus away from being within my grubby little hands! (Actually much more than that cus I gotta go to the flying club all day tomo.) I’d love to try and up into words how much the game means to me at some point, but i dont think i have the tools to properly articulate that atm. Point is that I and can’t wait to see what crazy shit that annoying dog has cooked up for us this time.
I’ve been spending quite a bit of time on a website I alluded to in the pervious post but was too embarrassed to say it. Pony Town is a chatroom/mmo ala Club Penguin where you play as ponies and.. Yeah I already regret deciding to write this here. Disturbingly, I’ve been really enjoying goofing around and making friends with freaks as a cute pixel pony - which kinda has me worried about certain aspects of my masculinity and such. Im sure it’s not that deep though so im just not gonna think about it and keep having fun.
It’s been nice to find other deltaheads to speculate about the new chapter with. It’s funny how not into video games alot of other fans seem to be though. Lots of them were saying stuff like ‘this will be my first chapter I get to play for myself instead of watching on youtube’. I just did a gameplay only run of chapter 3 to get my weird route save file caught up and I realized how much of the game is practically a visual novel, so it makes sense to attract that sort of player. Personally, I hope chapter 5 can be a little more of a actual RPG, with losable encounters and normal shops and crazy monsters. The game built a really nice evolution of UNDERTALE’s battle system but is seemingly too afraid to stick to it, having a constant need for new gimmicks and minigames all the time. I really like the core bullet hell gameplay and exploration that we got in chapter 1 and 2, so i’d love to see more of that vibe gameplay / pacing wise. Story wise im all in on the more serious tone we got in chapter 4. I’im sure it will leave me emotionally devastated and yearning for more.
-Asgore has a sheriff motif NOT samurai
-Noelle makes it to the dark world
-Blue soul mode secret boss
-You can kill asgore
-I cry
Last post I mentioned feeling a bit of a internal change lately and it’s yet to leave me. It usually goes away in a day or two max so it’s strange how persistent it’s being this time. That said, I truely dont have much time to be focusing on this sort of stuff. The flying has been going well with me getting a flight in 6 out of the last 7 days, just means i’ve been crazy busy and spread pretty thin. I kinda wonder though, if I dont act on this feeling of change is it going to fade away and i’ll be stuck here until it comes around again? Or is it something thats going to nag at me until I do something about it? I guess time will tell..
Okay it’s past my bedtime, staying up late for freetime is lovely until you have to wake up the next day to fly. I might do a ‘thoughts on chapter 5’ post if I think I have anything blog worthy, not that the bar is high lmao. Ok bye
Welp, it’s definitely summer. Been getting up with the sun every day to grind away at CPL test prep. I’m budgeted to have around 30 more flights to complete and there's 48 days until the deadline, already running on fumes from all the timebuilding I just finished. I suppose I'm feeling cautiously optimistic about getting it done in time, just gotta keep pushing forward without any more diversions in my training. I did it last year with PPL so I can do it again, plus this time I know what it feels like to really give something your all and push yourself. Going to be one hell of a long month and a half though.
I'm starting to feel a tide of change, but it’s really hard to focus myself inward right now with everything going on. I probably won't have more than an hour of free time per day until I'm done CPL, which is almost a nice thing actually, less time to sit and spiral.
I met someone on a.. um, “chat room” the other night while unwinding before bed. I didn't particularly love the conversation but one part really stuck. I mentioned that I was embarrassed to even be on the site and they immediately clocked me. Specifically with vulnerability and keeping a strong face. Their advice was classic stuff - “Just work towards being who you want to be a bit every day” “you don't have to be liked by everyone.” It wasn't the advice or anything though, it was just feeling seen for that very brief moment that totally fucked with me. It’s had me thinking about whether hiding myself away is why I struggle so much with identity. The idea of being truly vulnerable, wearing my heart on my sleeve, it’s terrifying. That said, without taking a risk and being open with this stranger I would have never gotten to experince the feeling of being heard.
I'm going to end it there, keep this one kinda short since I have to get up in 6 hours and start calculating winds. I’m happy I was able to get some writing in today, my skull feels a tiny bit lighter for it. See you soon.
Another late night here. It's been about a week since my last flight and I still haven't switched back from the graveyard shift. Watched the sun peak it's head out over the horrizon while on a walk the other day.
I wanted to take a second to document just how much chronic stress I've accumulated over the past year or so from training. I find it's easy to forget about this sort of thing after it's been all over so It might help future me out when I start going "What the fuck was I so worried about when I was 20??".
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My flight school, as the most accelerated in the country, has made very strict deadlines. This is a correction due to there being people in the class ahead of mine that are currently working on the same stuff I am. These people however, have not been kicked out. After I hardly scraped through my first semester's deadline, I watched a third of my class including my only real friend get chopped from the program without a second thought. My friend even ended up attending classes for a month without knowing he was kicked out because the dean was on vacation and unresponsive.
People like to make it seem like getting kicked out isn't a big deal. Just go to another flight school, right? Well on top of losing my diploma that you can't get anywhere else, that'd mean moving to another school likely out of province just to finish up what little I have left before graduation. On top of that there's a nasty trend I've spotted, that is how no one who got kicked out has been able to make any meaningful progress on their own. Without the structure of a class and the privilege of being a part of it, getting your training done all on your own time seems nearly impossible, or at the very least very, very slow moving.
I've been pinned as 'untrustworthy' after a miscommunication with my instructor in January, and that label has been following me since. It feels like I have a spotlight on me where my instructors, administrators, and mentors are all patiently awaiting my tiniest mistake so they can wring me out about it, twisting it into the most malicious lens possible. "Maybe you don't care about your own life, but what about all the mothers and children in the triple sevens above you?", is what I was told when I didn't apologise in the correct tone after accidently breaking airspace in the middle of the night (a common mistake dozens of my classmates have made and got away with a simple slap on the wrist.)
It's also hard because I'm not currently in the thick of it, but I can always feel the storm abrewing. Deadlines are okay, but weather in my province is about as bad as it gets. Despite being the furthest behind in my class with a rapidly approaching deadline I haven't flown in a week. And on my days off, I feel absolutely horrible for not flying, which means you never get to truely relax unless your ahead. At least when it's pouring rain you know for sure you couldnet be up there, but the worst is a sunny day when you couldent get a booking in and planes are buzzing above my roof all fucking day. God, it makes it hard to breathe just writing about it.
Maybe you read that and think I hate flying, and are wondering why I'm even doing it. Im stil unsure if I made the right choice by forcing my dimwit brain into such an intense program, with zero breaks or ways to pivot out and a tuition cost that's drained every cent from my wallet. All said I love flying, and as long as I get to do it for money some day I'm sure it'll beat whatever office i'd be slacking off in otherwise. It's just this program, the culture of it, the deadlines, the rushing. On the first day they told us we were all type A individuals, otherwise we wouldn't be in our seats. I don't think I'm type A. I dont even think I'd be particularly motivated without the sunk cost of the program constantly weighing heavy on my mind. Everyone tells me to keep my chin up, suffer through it, and eventually it'll be well worth it. I can only hope they're right.
Hey. It’s 2 am as I'm writing. Im forcing myself to stay up to try and adjust my sleep schedule as im going to have to grind out some grueling 8 hour long night flights to get my hours in over the next few days. I did 4 hours yesterday and even that was rough. I'm going to try writing about an abstract feeling instead of just whining about my life as an exercise in articulation.
Memories are silly, aren't they? When you wake up from a dream you only have a brief moment to relive it in your head before it slips through your fingers and is gone forever. At least in my experience, whenever I attempt to put a dream into words it comes very unnaturally, almost like I'm lying about what I saw. I believe it’s because by the time I'm talking to someone, I’m really just explaining the memory of laying in bed and recounting the dream, for at that point the true experience has vanished back into whatever spiritual crack in my skull it crawled out from.
Although dreams exist within a strange metaphysical subspace, the warped way we relive them is nearly identical for the lived experiences of our pasts. Ever remind a friend of a devastatingly humiliating moment and they hardly call it notable? You want to believe them, but when you relive that part of your past your brain can’t help but fill faces with ones more malicious than what seems reasonable. With every recollection, the actors exaggerate their roles more and more, until it’s been bent into the rebooted adaptation of the sitcom of your life, long flanderized into it’s 15th season.
To me, sitting down and playing through memories feels no different than day dreaming. Images, sounds and feelings that can't touch me physically yet have major alterations on my state of mind. Identity is formed as a collection of memories, but if these memories are as fictitious as dreams does it make us characters of our own unconscious writings? Perhaps we really are malleable, and you can change your reality by honing the way you perceive what was.
So we live in delusion, creating a reality of fiction from the tiny pieces of objective past that get warped into identity. It makes parts of self reflection nearly impossible when you're viewing your own story through the cracked lens of an unreliable narrator. Is the self I know now an entirely different person than the self I can meet tomorrow, not through the impact of the present but my perception of the past? Either way, it’s best to be kind to yourself. Because maybe if you can recall your past in a way that's a bit more fair, your present could start to reflect that back at you.
… Was that legible? I guess I'll have to read it back in a few years and see if I remember what I ment. Although, you can never wash it all away.
I'm still figuring out what I want to do with this blog, but I think linking whatver song im listening to while making these posts would be cool so you can get in my headspace or whatever. Boards Of Canada - Inferno Just came out today, after a 13 year hiatus! It's not really too grounbreaking compared to the stuff theyre already well known for. Not that the groups old work needed innovating or anything, you'd just think if they went on break for 13 years they'd be coming back with something new.
Got brought in for another talking to yesterday due to poor communication. I think im the furthest behind in my entire class right now, and the deadline only marches closer. It's hard not to feel worthless when this keeps happening to me. They even confirmed that I'm getting different treatment from my classmates due to me being untrustworthy. Since whoever is reading this has no idea about the actual situation, and I don't intend on summarizing it, let me just say this: They're wrong. They are so, so incredibly wrong about me in just about every way. They have to be. Otherwise well... I'm getting sick thinking about them being right. But they're not. So it's fine.
At least I get to keep pushing forward. A third of my class has been kicked out already from not hitting the first deadline. I'm next on the chopping block if I don't have my commercial pilots licence within a month, but it's a challenge when my instructor and school are doing everything they can to slow me down based on unfounded opinions on me. "I think your some entitled kid who doesn't care what anyone thinks. That you can get away with anything and would rather smoke cigarettes at the corner store with the boys" -Actual quote from my boss. I don't know how they get away with saying shit like that just because they don't like the way I look or carry myself or whatever. Anyways I'm gonna change the topic before I rip another clump of hair out of my skull. I'm just praying I'll be able to catch a break for like, a week even and i'll be happy.
I went to my friend's house last night after a 8 hour cross country flight. I was severely dehydrated but had a decent time despite the headache. I can't understate how much my friends mean to me. I really don't express it to them much unless im really drunk and they just bought me food or something, but i'd probably be dead by now if I didn't have them. It's a wonder that they even put up with me considering how much of an ass I can be. But yeah, I'm in a really lucky and unusual spot where most of my friends I have today I've known since my childhood, and we've stayed close despite the vastly different courses our lives have taken. Despite how grateful I am though, I sometimes wonder if people usually grow apart for a reason, and by staying around around the same people in less likely to grow up. To mature. I'm not very good at making friends. It's not very often I immediately like people. I wonder if there's a way I can change that because it makes things like school and work miserable when you only have surface level relations with the people you sit next to every day. I'll never be able to fix my self esteem without proper love and belonging, but I clearly have to fix some stuff within before that can happen. Or maybe im scared and thats an excuse to stay miserable longer.
Hello, this is my first ever blog post. I guess it's a good idea to give some insight into where I’m at in life as of writing this given the main goal of this project is the ability to look back as an archivable internet checkpoint.
I'm currently 20 years old, still in my hometown basement. My main focus right now is flight training, and i'm currently in the midst of time building by flying to different airports across the province. I just completed my commercial written and have the practical flight test to worry about next. The training has been going.. Pretty poorly if I’m being honest.
I mean, I love flying and consider myself to be entirely capable, but my flight school or “pilot factory” as my friend dubbed it, has not been so kind to me. Maybe I’ll make another post about my accademic/institutional struggles later but I’d rather not get into it now.
Other than flying my life has been utterly dull. Been hosting a new Minecraft server for my friends, (three of which are playing on as I write this) and it’s been fun to have a creative project to come together on as a group. It’s been storming pretty bad lately so I haven't done too much going outside on account of the unflyable conditions. Yeah, the only reason I really leave my house during the day is if I’m doing something aviation related. On the weekends I'll probably go to my childhood friend’s house for drinks or maybe get dragged out to a bar with him and have a mildly shitty time.
It’s kinda hard to keep my thoughts centered here. I’m trying not to make it too rambly but going forward i’d like to use this page to kinda just dump everything out of my head so it’s not rattling around so much. I’ve been having some trouble sleeping lately. Especially if I'm flying the next day, which I am as of writing this. I figured having a place to get out some of my feelings would be nice though. I have a pretty hard time opening up to anyone without feeling like a whining little bitch, so there might be some pretty losery sounding excerpts in here. Sorry bout that.
On the topic of being a loser though, I’m still single. Totally utterly single, like not even talking to anyone or thinking about anyone. It’s been like this for a long time now. I thought I had a crush in my class last fall, but I quickly gaslit myself out of interest after I fumbled the bag real hard by telling her she appeared in a dream of mine. Never in my life have I had anything close to a real partner, and it’s not looking like I'm getting one any time soon. It’s very hard for me to explain. I wouldent even say i’m terribly interested in a relationship, but the loneliness from lacking any sort of deep or intimate connection with anyone really takes a heavy toll over the years. I’m not entirely sure what I am exactly. I’ve had dozens of girls show interest but It’s incredibly rare I'll reciprocate. Curious friends have speculated that I could be asexual but that doesn't feel right to me either. It’s not really a satisfying answer, but I've just figured I’m broken and left it at that. I’m contemplating if I wanna include this paragraph as it’s not something I've ever expressed aloud. Whatever, I'll leave it in. That’s what this is all about after all, expressing myself.
Anyhow, I've been making a conscious effort to improve myself by getting more in touch with my creative side. I want to stop hidding so much of myself away from the world. I'm not sure why it’s the case but most of my actual hobbies have been kept a total secret from everyone in my life. I can count on one finger the amount of people who know about my forte into game development, pixel art, music or uh, anything really. So yeah, I'm hoping doing more of this sort of thing will help me be myself. And maybe it will inspire you to be yourself too. Thanks.